Vitriol.

Long time no write, am I right?

I feel like every new post starts with me apologising for not being consistent. So I won’t apologise this time. And that’s the problem right there.

My friend turned 24 years old today (or as we cultured say, she’s entered her 25th year). She started the day so happy, and somehow, by afternoon, I’d become the cause of her sad, bad tears. Sorry if this isn’t nobel laureate level writing.

She decided to celebrate her birthday on Saturday with another friend whose birthday is this week, but since I wouldn’t be able to make it, I decided to take her to see a movie today. She’s an old friend, and I’d disappointed her many times by cancelling on many meet ups. This time I was determined to not let that happen, but as the weekend buzzed past, the amount of work on my table made it almost certain that I would either risk losing a job, or disappointing a friend.

Turns out I nearly did both.

My uncle had surgery today and when he came back, I had to take care of him for a bit while my aunt went out. Ergo, the time the movie was supposed to show. I had to cancel.

About an hour later, my friend texts me that she’s crying. Really. And it’s because of me.

And that was the moment. The moment when this unfamiliar, very alien feeling, bubbled up inside of me. Except, it wasn’t alien at all… I just hadn’t been able to recognise it until now.

Enter Bitterness.

I started to think.

“She’s a grown woman. She has to learn to handle disappointment.”

“If it was me, I’d charge it to the game and move on.”

“I didn’t want this to happen but hey, maybe it’s a lesson.”

“I’ve been in this situation before, and it made me… stronger?”

At this point I paused to think… What WAS I thinking?

Counterargument

Why should I want her to learn to handle disappointment?

Isn’t it a good thing if she isn’t used to it?

Shouldn’t I, who has been battered to the point I feel this way, want to protect the innocence of those who are yet to be whittled down?

Misery loves company, ey?

I made this tweet when I realized what was happening.

The Tweet

I felt… bitter. That feeling was bitterness. Bitterness that someone could react in such a way to something I was completely impervious to. It was disdain at her perceived weakness, of a sort.

Later this same night, I took her out to get pizza and milkshakes. My account heard it. But she did as well (as per when we were talking deep, and it came up, I told her what happened before I tried to salvage the evening).

In that conversation I said I’d begun to feel emotionally drained, and it’s been going on for such a long time.

Empathy?

What is that?

I used to think I was an Empath but was I just lying to myself? Or did I lose it?

When did my heart become so hard?

The Adultification of Joy

The bitterness that comes with work pileups. The bitterness that leads to adults who get annoyed when children play around aimlessly while you just watch and think—

What’s so funny?

What’s there to laugh about?

Go pick up a book or something

Can’t you think about the political and economic state of the world?

Conclusion

I’m adultifying, and I hate it.

This isn’t me.

My name is literally JOY! (rough but direct translation)

Talking out loud often helps me work through my issues. In a way that’s what writing does too.

So, back to me not apologising at the start… I just… I’m tired, yunno?

This is me brooding, and I think I’ve been subconsciously bottled it all up for a while now.

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.

And Happy Birthday Favour.

PS: Idek how recommendations work but thank you

TheGoodVibesGirl’s Substack

Adeoluwakiisi's Substack